In The Name of: 'Self Preservation'

I can't lose myself

Okay so I'm just gonna come out and say it. I've become kinda rude.

Even before the pandemic, I would go into this protective shell around new people. I never wanted to show too much of myself, so I would try to agree with what everyone said and never really expressed my true opinion.

Being in quarantine hasn't made things any better. I don't reach out to people much anymore. If I get left on read, I'll probably never text that person again. I ALWAYS post on close friends. I turned off my story replies, the whole nine. I guess I just don't want people to talk to me.

All I do, is overthink and listen to music. I sit in my room and doubt myself and the decisions I made years ago. All of my past woes & worries sit in the front of my brain and cause me to be immobilized. It's like my brain is only programmed to get me to work and to sit on my phone all day consuming content that's quite frankly, mental poison.

What about the rest of world? People are irritated all the time. You can never please anyone. Celebrities/influencers are constantly battling the pressure to stay connected with their audience, but also wanting to keep their life private. People have become so entitled and intrusive, I honestly feel bad for those in the spotlight.

What about you? How have the changes of the world affected you? Have you become more closed off? Have you pulled away from the people close to you? Have you felt the need to hold onto yourself for dear life?

We feel the need to protect. It's imperative to our health. The world can be so scary and dangerous. Nowadays you can be attacked mentally, physically, and most annoyingly, virtually. As tough as we think we've gotten, we're become super sensitive. The smallest little remark feels like an attack on our character. Which then leads to the behavior I explained above that really makes me never want to interact with another human again.

Why do we do this? To preserve ourselves.

I personally hate how much I've let other people change how I act and think. I hid so much of myself just to fit in, and ended up never being able to. All those wasted years of being a people pleaser and I don't even have one friend to show for it. It really makes me hate my younger self.

I hate the idea of judgement that permeates in the world today. Why can't we just be ourselves? Why do people have to speak on others decisions? When people are confronted with a conflicting opinion I wish they would just take it as a learning opportunity and move on with love.

Obviously, I don't have the power to change the world, and quite frankly I'm not trying to. I just want to know how to live in this world without feeling like I don't want to exist.

The idea of self preservation is multi faceted. It traditionally means to instinctively protect yourself when you're faced with a threat. While I agree with that definition I like to think it also means to express thoughts and feelings to guard ones mind from becoming like everyone else's.

I said in the beginning of this blog that I used to close myself off from people, but in reality I just wanted to preserve my innocence and my heart. I saw how pain changed people and I never wanted to change like that. I wanted to grow up unscathed and be this ray of light. I wanted to stay pure.

As life would have it though, I grew up to become something I never intended to be. I love talking to people and having fruitful conversations that make me see the world like I never have before. I think about everybody all the time and how I wish I could make all their pain go away.

In my effort to preserve my good, I let it drown inside me.

So now what? What do I do with the fractured goodness that resides deep within my heart? I gotta figure out how to express it. I have to let it get some sun so it can grow again, even though it may burn a little. It's not gonna be easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but I refuse to live another 21 years in the shadows. I HAVE TO live my life out loud.

Will you?

With all the love,

- Symone Michelle